Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Tips for A First Date

Baltimore, MD, USA
Good morning, 
Well here we are-
back for installment 3, folks. 

Oh my. The stories that I received from people on IG after I started this series on the HORRIFIC dates they've been on made me both laugh and cringe. 
That gave me the idea to give some tips about going on a first date.

Truth be told, I despise first dates.
At first, I get excited.
Then when the day arrives, I lose it. 

What if he isn't good at conversation?
What if he embarrasses me in some way?
(which is even more so a fear now that I've heard some of these stories).
What if he's rude?
What if we have nothing in common?
What if...........

What if it goes so well, and I'm excited, and then I get my heart broken later.
Oh. Hit a nerve there, didn't I?

But as much as I despise it, 
\I actually think that I've come up with some tips that have made me better at 
Le Premier Rendez-Vous.
Maybe if I say it fancy & french-like, I will feel better about it. 

1. Be Yourself 
This means, try (it's hard) to relax. Be you. Don't try to talk differently or act differently because it will for sure come across disingenuous. Also, dress like you. This will be helpful when you are trying to decide how dressy or casual to go. What would you wear for an IG pic at the same place? Oh wait, that might just be my personal thinking (send help). But seriously, don't try to dress like someone that you aren't either.

2. Have a List
Did I get your attention? On my last IG live (there will be more!) I spoke about this ridiculous list that people have for the person they want to meet, but this is different. Having a list of talking points will give you ideas for how to continue the conversation, should it get awkward. Plus it will help it feel like less of a job interview. 
One time I was nervous and kept asking about the guy's job. 
He asked me if I was in HR. I was at the time. Not a good look. 

3. Be Kind 
I'm fluent in sarcasm. A lot of people say this, not just me. In my mind that makes it important enough to make this a point- be kind. Sarcasm is fun once you get to know someone. It's playful and flirtatious and if you feel towards the middle to end of the date that you are super comfortable, then do it. But in the beginning feel the other person out first. Sometimes sarcasm can come across as really mean (think: it's not always a joke if you add "lol"). 
And you certainly don't want to seem that way. 
A little bit of complimenting can go a very long way. 

4. Ask Questions & Listen
There is absolutely NOTHING worse than when you go on a date and listen to them talk about themselves the ENTIRE time. Oh it's the worst. Second only to this, is when you see someone's eyes wondering off into the distance as you are telling them something or answering a question. 
Oh my gosh. Are you even listening? 
Be an active listener, engage, ask questions about the story or answer to your question and look them in the eye. This shows that you care or if you don't care that you are just a kind person 
(see number 3).

5. Be Upfront About Expectations
Last tip and the absolute hardest for me sometimes. Be honest and upfront. If you didn't really feel the date, then nicely let them know either that night or the day after in a kind way. Don't lead someone along and then ghost (this is hardest for us who detest confrontation). Also during the date, make sure you are honest about what you are looking for, are you casually dating? Looking for a relationship? Maybe more? See if you are on the same page. This is so helpful.

I hope you found these helpful and please send me your tips. I'd love to share more on my instagram and have an open conversation about first dates! IG LIVE 8PM tonight on this topic. I'm bringing some guests on who are engaged to talk to us about getting past the first date.
 Bring your wine or beer and get ready.

Happy Wednesday, only two more days.


Monday, September 17, 2018

The Problem With Modern Dating

Baltimore, MD, USA
Hi everyone, happy Monday!

I'm SO glad that you enjoyed the blog post last week, the commentary was equally hilarious and on point. I loved the messages that I received afterwards and that the post was relatable, because that's my goal!

One message that I received multiple times was "dating has changed" or "why is it like this now?"- that last one was mostly from my newly single friends.

Can I start with another comment disclaimer really quick that's a little off topic but also on topic?
I'm open to dating.
I'm not open to random dating set ups. 
I appreciate the love, and support and that you want to connect me with your friend who is also single, but, generally it leads to a lot of awkwardness and also, it makes me feel really pathetic. I KNOW you don't mean it that way. But this week, I've received a lot of that in messages as well....
I want to eventually date someone, but I'm not trying to force it. The purpose of this series is to be funny, relatable and give us single gals some hope.
Same page? K Cool.

Alright, now that's out of the way, so let's chat about my theory on modern dating.

From the time I was 16-25 (roughly), I was what they call a "serial dater". I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. Obviously I didn't find the guy for me, or I did, but it didn't work out (again, not giving too much detail because some people will know who I am referring to and that's not cool) so I ended up #singlelife, once again.

After that, the end.

Ok not really, there were guys here and there but nothing serious. 
What changed?

Why is there suddenly an influx of dating coaches saying "what women are doing wrong" now (as referenced in my insta stories last week) or "how to get someone to love you!" books?

I am happy to finally answer the "SBR why are you single?" question that drives me CRAZY. 

The culprit?
The internet.
More specifically, online dating.
You could EVEN blame social media.
But I can't nor shan't (as the Morning Toast says) because we all know that I love social media so much, I built a business for it.

The problem is: The "Grass is Greener" Syndrome, in dating.

So many choices. One girl/guy makes you mad? That's ok, there's an app for that.
And with the internet now, we have tons of choices, at our fingertips.
No need to work on problems, with ourself or others.
No need to stick around if you are unhappy (minor-ly unhappy not serious issues).

Remember Average Joe or First Date Ambitious from the first posts?
This is going to be their hardest issue.
First Date Ambitious is "Mr. holds texts convos all day but never asks you out" right? He's planning a few more dates as we speak.
Average Joe probably doesn't have to do much work, he can just text or match people from his couch all day. 

Full disclosure? Women aren't that much better.
We constantly talk about meeting up then don't follow through via dating apps as well.
Why is that?
We like the attention we get....
Then we are too scared of meeting up.
What if he's weird in real life?
What if his photo doesn't match his real looks (ps. guys, girls, don't do this, k thanks)?
What if, what if, what if.
Then "nope, I'd rather go out with the girls".
This starts a cycle of never meeting anyone as well.
Because when we go out with the girls, we are comfortable, and we don't reach out to other guys at the bar, or they are terrified because it's us and 10 girls. 

So what should we do?!
Since I'm single I'm going to say this is what I've learned so far. From readers (this past week) to other motivational speakers, to observation. I'm not married or in a relationship, but I've learned some things from my mistakes.
Helpful tips:
+Work on building authentic relationships.
+Be brave, say hi to more people when you are out (even at the coffee shop).
+Work on vibing with someone slowly.
+Be friends first.
+Don't rush things.
But most importantly.
Don't worry about dating so much that you are taking classes and courses and reading about it constantly, and never working on yourself first.
Because when you find someone, you want to be ready.
At least, that's what I'm told by my mom and various others previously or in successful relationships.

Thoughts? Advice? Tips?

Love you all.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

The 5 Different Types of Guys (That I've Dated)

Baltimore, MD, USA

The 5 Different Types of Guys (That I’ve Dated)

My Disclaimer Intro
I want to start this series by implicitly stating that I will never call out any person that I’ve dated by name, nor attack them as a person. Nor, would I call out anyone that I may currently date in the future. That’s just not cool. So yeah, don't be afraid to date me, k? (This was a concern of mine when writing this as well- like, should I start collecting my cats now or...)

Now that it's out of the way...

What I want to do is share my experiences in the dating world, because to be honest, the number one question that I get in general or during the holidays is “so, are you dating anyone?”
This question, as my single friends can attest to, is equal parts frustrating, and sometimes downright depressing, as you start to doubt yourself.
But don’t ever doubt yourself.
Maybe you’ve made past mistakes in your relationships- well, did you learn something from it? Maybe it didn’t work out at no fault of yours, still, I’m sure that you have learned something.
Here’s what I’ve also learned: there have definitely been patterns that can be found in the types of guys that I tend to “go after”. Sometimes I don’t realize it right away. 
But as I sat and thought, after being questioned by numerous people on why I'm single, I started one day to look back at my past relationships. 
What I found was that, I’ve definitely dated the same characteristic on more than one occasion, which made me laugh, and then made me think.
MY GUYS: I'm adding a sentence for what would be helpful if you find that you may relate to one of these categories from a girls point of view. You're welcome, you can thank my ex who gave me this idea (he called yesterday to give me input and make sure he wasn't mentioned by name).

So without further ado, we have, the 5 Types of Guys that I have dated:
1. The Smooth Talker
2. First Date Ambitious
3. Average Joe
4. The Bachelor
5. Mr. Mansplain, himself

Let’s get more in detail- shall we?

The Smooth Talker 
Relationship Status: They want a relationship eventually- I think? At least that’s what they say...

Ahhh the smooth talker. This one still gets me sometimes. His charm, usually model good looks, and most importantly, his promises. “We will have to go xxx sometime”, “I can’t wait for you to meet my mother” (this is scary), “I need a date to a wedding coming up”, after ONE date. You seem shocked? Never experienced this before? Ok maybe not to this degree. But to some degree, right?
Smooth talkers are everywhere, and they want to make you happy and feel good around them. This isn’t ALL bad, except 9/10 times, there is no follow through. You usually figure this all out AFTER you aren’t with them anymore, which is good for them. They don’t want to be around you when you figure it out, then you don’t feel good anymore- ha. 
***From a lady's point of view: Be honest, and upfront in what you're looking for, if you are super into a girl, tell them that, but tell them the path you are hoping to take. Then follow through with it. Busy? Say that. Unsure? Say that too. Honesty goes a LONG way, but just watch out, you don't want to be Mr. Bachelor either (below).

First Date Ambitious
Relationship Status: Unclear if they want a relationship. 

First Date Ambitious is my own term, so you are probably wondering what they heck it means. First date ambitious means, they work their a$$ off for a first date with you, and then slowly start to back away after the date. Not back away as in not talk to you, because they still call/text every day. But back away as in “yeah I hope to see you soon” whenever another date is brought up. Soon when? Next week? Next Month? Next year? This isn’t a case of “he’s just not that into you” (which I’ve also had- trust), because he is having long phone convos and several texts a day and wants involvement in your daily activities (as far as “how is your bestie and her bf”, or “what did you have for lunch today”). 
But it’s almost as if the first date was so much work that they need WEEKS to recover- amiright? I see this most often these days. 
OR combine it with smooth talker and you get an AH-MAZING first date where there are many promises, then no talk of a date after.
Of course at this point you’ve told the girls how great the date everyone wants to know when the second date is...and you have no answer…. and ….
I mean, you know, that’s how my friends say how it goes- ha. Kidding. This totally happens to me.
***From a lady's point of view: Just let your date know you had a great time and SET A DATE FOR NEXT TIME. It's super easy like this "hey I had a great time Friday night! Are you free next week? Let's set up another time". If the day/time ends up not working out, the key is to always set another time that will work. It's that easy.

Average Joe
Relationship Status: Not super motivated, but we’ll see how it goes eventually.

Average Joe is not ambitious, and isn’t super happy with his current situation, but doesn’t really feel like doing anything to change it. He’s very interested in binging tv, video games or drinking every night. He doesn’t have many goals, but he’s not doing bad either. He’s just hanging out. He wants to date, but doesn’t really want to put in the effort. His idea of an ideal date is Netflix and pizza on the couch, because getting dressed to go to dinner isn’t really his “vibe”, he’s more “casual” (for a second and third date if he went out for the first- depends on how long you’ve known “Joe”).
Average Joe is usually a decent guy, but doesn’t really motivate you to go after your dreams. If you are Average Jill you may be happy with Average Joe, but for me, it isn’t the best fit.
***From a lady's point of view: If you just started dating, make sure you wine and dine for a while first....there's plenty of time for casual later. 

The Bachelor
Relationship Status: Dating, forever. 

The Bachelor is an interesting person because they are a little bit of a mix between smooth talker, and first date ambitious. They basically live in the first date realm. They immediately tell you they are dating other people. Which is why I coined them the bachelor, dating them makes you feel like you are competing against other girls, because you are.
To be honest I didn’t get past a second date with the Bachelor, because of his honesty, I told him I’m not a competitive person. 
As a dating woman your response may be to this” well that’s how it should be, you should date multiple people”. 
To that I say, I’m way too busy to keep track of dating multiple people at once. It’s an art form that I’m not good at, ever. Next thing you know, I’m saying hows the coffee shop? And they are really a photographer. 
It’s just bad for everyone.
***From a lady's point of view: Date who you want in the beginning, just don't tell us, k? Not until exclusivity is brought up at least.

Mr. Mansplain, Himself
Relationship Status: Let me explain to you how relationships work.

Don’t you love a good mansplaining? 
For those who aren’t familiar, mansplaining is when a man clearly knows everything better than you, then proceeds to explain it in a way that implies you know nothing. 
Mr. Mansplain also knows how to do so many things around the house, or car, basically he’s Mr. Fixit.
"Ah you need to get this from Home Depot, Home Depot is a store where they have..." *interrupts* I know what Home Depot is thanks, Ella and I go there every week almost for supplies. I also fixed my lawn mower last month with a new spark plug that it needed, which I bought from Ace Hardware. *Silence*
IT’S MY FAVORITE (sarcasm).
You can have an MBA, you can be well traveled, you can know many facts about anything, but you will NEVER know as much as Mr. Mansplain, because Mr. Mansplain knows everything about everything.
***From a lady's point of view: Explain it to us like you would another guy. We understand things, too.

Ladies- Can you relate? Men, am I way off here? Let me know, I want to hear BOTH sides. 
Stay tuned for the next installment in the series.

Love to all,


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